"stay classy pennsylvania" - Animal Rescue or High School?

first, please bare with my jumbled, rushed thoughts and ocassional misspellings as with my MS my mind does not usually process things accurately these days at times.  :/

with so much swirling around, it tries to break you down.  you have moments were all you want to do is shout the truth and hurt them back as much as they're trying to hurt you.  but then you have your moments of clarity which are obviously lined with better intentions, compassion, and maturity than the people trying to pull you apart.  you stop, take a breath, evaluate things, and realize you are better than that and you will not stoop to their levels.  The dog world is a callous, catty, competitive one.  My entire life has been filled with various avenues of the dog world, and for the life of me i have yet to figure out why everyone cannot just work together, support each other, and show compassion in every avenue of dogtopia (working, showing, rescue, etc).

but i must address a few rescue related issues, as this is what this blog pertains to primarily. nearly 2 years ago i met people with the same goal, drive, and passion as i did.  i sat down to talk to them and interview them as much as they did me. (-as is clear with the recent bullshit being spewed regarding my rescue, i learned years ago that rescue 'folk' are just as catty, crazy, and irresponsible at times as breeders and people that they view as their enemy-) Anyways, we were on the same page with just about everything.  As I knew they were vegans, one of my first questions was if they supported PETA (like many vegans sadly make the choice to do without fully knowing what it is they're supporting), they said no.  I cautiously mentioned my experience in the dog world and with working dogs and training (-i say cautiously as many narrow minded, blind rescue folk view working dogs/training and ALL breeders as the enemy which is nowhere near being accurate or true.  once again, it's just a close minded way to go nowhere and break the good people down-), "SHE" (-i'll say 'she' as that's what our rescue is being referred to as by other people-) told me about her past in the same fields.  For once in my life I felt like people "got" it in the same way i did.

not too long after meeting with them my dog, hoss, had a bowel obstruction. My akita, also my service dog used to help me from falls or balance me, had life saving bloat surgery only 3 months prior, so my funds were low to say the least.  my boyfriend at the time looked to the dogs as an annoyance and a chore and a source of anxiety.  he was not vigilant with the dogs, which lead to the obstruction (-hence the EX part-).  They didn't think twice before dipping into their very own pockets to help me.  they also didn't think twice about dispensing donation containers or posting for paypal donations.  every single day, twice a day i posted my links.  Now, with all the total BULLSHIT circling our (-yes, 'our', not 'she'...there is no 'she', yet for shits and giggles i will refer to it as such as thats what other people like to do-) rescue i find that i must defend myself to it all.

My vet bill was around $1,500.  I have been disabled since age 17 due to multiple sclerosis.  I receive only $750 a month to pay a mortgage, taxes, bills, etc.  A handful of people stopped to help my cause.  I knew even if i didn't get a single penny that I was going to save my dog's life in any way i could.  Because for me, everything I have ever done is about dogs.  A small hanful of people stopped to help and donate.  I can still recall each name and still am forever in debt to you and grateful.  I can attest 100% that the small amount of money I received to help with Hoss went directly to his vet costs along with mostly my own money.  Bills were left unpaid for awhile but with the help of my mother and the few people who helped we pulled through financially.
They could have easily taken or kept any of that money...or even at some point since asked me to re-pay them the money that was given to me.  They have not.  None of that ever happened nor was it ever even discussed.  They could have easily 'made money' off of me if they so wanted, but they never even thought of it one bit.

If people would like to talk massive amounts of crap about us, that's fine.  At least do me a favor and try to be creative or realistic when doing so.  When you say we are a "scam" and when you assume we pocket our donation money...please take a look at our lives.  "SHE" has a half broken down vehicle that is getting even more beat up carting dogs hundreds of miles if need be.  "SHE" has been so far behind on rent that "SHE" has had to sell furniture to pay for it.  "SHE" has used money made on her own which was meant to pay for her own health to only go and pay for a dog's vet bill.  "SHE" trains and works with multiple dogs every single day despite battling cancer, being in pain, having a son, being an artist, a supportive partner, and still managing to work with the dogs who have "issues" that some of you would have rather dumped on us than helped on your own.  In my opinion, some of you could learn a thing or two about hard work and humility and dedication from her and most of us in this rescue.

But since many people decided to call the "rescue" a scam, that includes me as well.  My bills are always paid on time because my mother would beat me if I spent the small amount of money I get per month on frivolous things.  I purchased a home at 21 years of age...how many people do you know who did that?  I didn't need a mortgage, to be poor, grow up too soon, or bills up the ass.  I did not, but my dogs did.  I purchased my home for the 4 dogs I had at the time.  Every cent I get from rescue money goes right back into these dogs, and not my own bills.  Although since my house and "HER" house are literally our only foster homes and buildings for training, rescuing, etc if we needed to pay a mortgage or rent to keep a roof over these dogs' heads would that not also be going to the rescue?  since essentially our own lives and homes ARE this rescue?  Yet that is not where our money goes, or how we make our ends meet with personal bills.  Your money goes directly to these dogs, and I can give you my word 100% on that.

If gifts are sent for Macy, the other dogs only get a toy to replace one of theirs that Macy has already destroyed.  Crates only go to be used for the other dogs because Macy has escaped 2 on her own.  Nothing is used inappropriately around here or anywhere else.  If it is for the dogs, it can be assured that it goes directly to a dog.  I, as someone who has been close to these people for as long as I have, find it hard to believe any of you have more information or "dirt" on them than I do.  So please, re-evaluate your comments, your facts, and sources before you make such slanderous, damaging comments.

Anyone who actually speaks to us, comes to our events, opens up to us, and gives us a chance, will see our passion and know how we operate.  I have lived and breathed dogs my entire life and I have always done things the right and proper way.  I can say 100% that I have found the same in "HER" and I know full well more than most what her intentions are and where her money goes.  Before we are taken care of, our animals are taken care of.

People will always try to break you down, belittle you, slander you, etc.  Usually it's because you do something right.  We do not just randomly find dogs in abandoned buildings, post them feverishly on the internet, and hand them over to the first willing commenter without properly training, vetting, temp testing, and background checking that person.  So, as far as I'm concerned, some of you are the ones who need to re-evaluate the way you "operate".

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter to me what you say.  Should an animal need my/our help, we will be there for it.  There is nothing we want more than for people to come together, suck it up, and work as a team.  We want people to see us for what we really are, and we want to be able to say "yea, i know so and so and they're an amazing, capable person/rescue who we work with often".  There is no need to attack and rip apart someone trying to fight for a cause.  It's also ironic when people talk about money.  $1,500 was put into a dog who escaped from a possible fighting, abusive drug home.  that is a large sum of money that we could have just passed off to someone else, or just did the bare minimum with care.  $3,000 on a random pitbull found with the skin scraped from his legs down to the bone was another vet bill that we could have easily passed up on.

We are not rich people.  We take on these cases because we are good at it and we have one goal in mind: helping these animals, rehabbing them, and then training them to be the perfect companion for a properly screened adopter.

The right way is not "our" way.  There is an ethical, safe procedure and a "right" way to do everything.  With certain breeds the "right" way and properly doing it is the only way.  No matter how hard we need to work, or how much the cost, we will still continue to do things the proper, safe, ethical, and "right" way no matter what anyone else feels the need to say about us.

Please keep in mind that despite my sarcasm, there really is no "SHE"...there is only a "WE".  I have given blood, sweat, tears, and my health (literally all of the above) for this rescue.  This is MINE just as much as it is "HERS".  When you fuck with this, not only are you fucking with my chosen family, but you are jeopardizing my rescue, my goals, my dreams, my health, my future, and my everything.  As well as a handful of other amazing people who help us and make us a whole unit. (-shout outs to those of you who are always by our side, we know it isn't easy and we sincerely love every one of you-)  And that makes those of you doing the slandering the shitty, unethical, cold hearted, scam.  Not us.

No matter what has been said to each other in the past, we would never turn down a meeting, a discussion, a joined event, or working with anyone.  But when people start saying some of the things that have been said recently and throwing out false allegations, that is where it becomes too much and it becomes a serious issue and problem, and that is where i draw the line and my gloves come off.  I have held back A LOT so as to take the higher road and spare people's feelings and personal lives.  But perhaps next time the actual truths I know (and not just random gossip and falsehoods) will come to light and I won't be so polite or proper.

Oh, and adding pages or having other people add pages and keep them around just to stalk and dig aroud for whatever you're looking for is low and pathetic.  It's sad, really sad and I'm sorry that's what some people consider "rescuing".  As if any of this wasn't reason enough to stop....you don't want to cross my boyfried.  Screwing with me and my dogs is screwing with him and what he loves most in his life.  He's vindictive, spiteful, and wiley.  luckily so i don't have to ever be, cuz I'm too nice for that <3

like ron burgundy said in anchorman "stay classy".....try it sometime.

the best things happen when you least expect them

i guess that holds some truth at times.  around this time last year my body was just starting to show some signs of being pushed too far, i was ending or trying to end my relationship of 2 years with someone, who i finally realized, was never going to better himself or our life, and i was realizing that most men (and women) were awful and being single was much more appealing than being in a relationship.

when i first met my currently boyfriend it was the last week of september of last year and i had absolutely no visions or dreams or desires of being in a relationship with him.  at first due to my last 2 relationships draining me so much, i looked for every reason i could find to NOT be with him.  I quickly realized that every time I would go out with him, there was no pressure or anxieties and he made me completely happy.  I laughed when I was with him as much as I laugh on a good night out with my best friend of 12 years.  That was the moment (around halloween) where I had finally decided i'd just accept it and see where it took me.

I rarely gush or talk constantly and annoyingly about my significant other.  First, as I said, it's annoying and Secondly, I've noticed that people who usually talk too much are trying to hide the truth.  I guess I finally don't really have any 'dark' truths to hide or be embarrassed about within my relationship.  For once, I have a decent, relatively healthy, normal, boring life, and I love it and wouldn't want it any other way.

The best thing is his love for my dogs.  The fact that he has over-run my home with felines speaks volumes for the fact that he's a 'cat person' through and through, yet every time we are out he purchases food or treats for the dogs.  He dreams about getting a car and taking Hoss to a petstore to "just hang out".  He completely 'gets' this dog thing and feels as strongly about it as I do.  I'm finally with someone who sees them for everything they're worth, and that in turn makes him the most worth-while person out there for me to be with.

He and I both leave some things to be desired to many people.  We have rough edges and have been through a lot of crap, some more than others, or different kinds of crap.  But at the end of the day I have found someone who would die for me, and probably for my dogs also.  In my opinion, there are many things that can be romantic, many things I like in romance, but I can't think of a more romantic statement than that.

So, here's my 'relationship' blog.  He's annoying and stinky and anxiety ridden at times, but I am blessed to have him here to care for me and about me and the dogs.  Imperfections we both have aside, I think it's safe to say that we both look forward to a few more years. at least, together.

Untitled: part 1

I have re-written this at least 3 times so far.  I cannot keep a steady train of thought nor can I decide on a topic.  So, this is the first in many "Untitled" entries I guess.

As of late, I have been focussing on the mental difficulties MS has brought about for me rather than the physical (which is ironic since my recent physical relapse and my daily shitty physical state as of late).  I remember a point in my life where I KNEW I was bright and brilliant and gifted and talented.  At least when it came to all things english, writing, spelling, grammar, etc based.  In many ways early on in life it was the very first thing I was ever good at, besides dogs I guess.

But now, I often can't remember how to spell common words.  I couldn't properly congegate(sp?) a verb these days if my life depended on it.  I also could probably never properly puncuate certain phrases.  All of these things were areas that I never even had to study up on in high school, they're all things that I just knew and remembered with ease.

There was a point in my life where my mother would nag and push me to be an author, and my father willingly wanted to self publish a book of my short stories and/or poetry....and now i can't even recall how to spell the word "great" on certain days.  Yes, at the age of 25, I am a has been in the world of all things vocabulary.

I look forward to getting back into the groove of it all moreso, but it's as difficult as trying to 'get active' when every inch of your body is in pain.  So I keep putting it off.  But so help me, when that day comes, LOOK OUT!

There are still people who say I'm a good writer.  Those people never knew how good I really was though.  Or they just never saw the stuff that to this day stands out in my mind as being so unbelievably powerful that even I couldn't forget writing it.  I often feel the same way about my graphic making 'career'.  To compare anything artistic now to what I once produced is just a disgrace as far as I'm concerned.

But through it all, I cannot help but feel gratitude after the wallowing in self pity passes.  I'm honestly grateful everyday despite it all to still be here.  No matter how shitty I start my day, I try to consciously end it on a good note most times.  Usually, I'm successful.

Every now and then I catch glimpses of that bright person that used to have much more to offer.  I know it's there somewhere, but for some reason this disease keeps it locked away somewhere.  To not have control of your mind or body is a real pain in the ass.  Then the steroids they (at times) pump into you just makes all of that even worse.  But all that it does is make me want to form a 'comeback' (so to speak) even more.

At this point I sound cliche.  I also feel as though I sound like a broken record.....

"what's that? another blog about MS??"

haha, so i'll end this and say, it's more or less a blog about how my mind and body are literally not mine anymore.  They haven't been for 8 years now.  But it's also a blog about how I hope to someday soon regain a little more of myself finally.

Maybe by the time I update this again that will be on its way to happening.  Maybe not.  But spring is upon us. That's totally unrelated, but a good thing.

So, good day.

hmmmm

i have every intention of getting back into the habit of updating this semi-regularly again.  my thoughts are literally precious anymore as with the MS it's increasingly harder and harder each year to remember them.  so by the time i get to sit down here to write, most of the good thoughts are already gone.

it also just ocurred to me how insanely crazy and emotional and draining last year was.  intense to say the least.  i'm just thankful that it ended the last bit of itself on a well deserved positive note.

here's to hoping i come back very soon and continue to update and let my words flow not nearly as freely as they once did. <3

I do not ask for help, kthnx.

sometimes you miss the past and wish it never had to end up the way it did.  sometimes you ache to go back to when things were comfortable and familiar and forget why it's in the past and block out all of the negatives that made it bad for you.

for me these moments seem to come when i'm faced with serious issues.  presently i await a call back from my neurologist to probably start home IV steroids again.  this will be the 3rd year in a row.  i'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner due the insane amount of stress and bullshit i was put through in 2010.  realistically though, i have felt 'off' physically for some time now but continued to put it off as things would clear up temporarily or because i wasn't going blind like with my other relapses, so i figured it was nothing major.

my entire body feels like stiff dead weight and like it doesn't even belong to me anymore.  during times like these you hope someone in your support system will understand what you're going through or somehow read your mind as to the what you need from them.  but none of that ever happens.  if you're someone like me, you hope they go out of their way to be there because you sure as hell aren't going to actually ASK for help.  why would you ever admit to being unable to do something and needing someone else to take care of you?  you wouldn't.  so those are the moments when you wish someone would read your mind or just sit by your side for 24 hours in case you need it.  but they won't as they're not mind readers and you have to somehow communicate your wants and needs.

but, remember?  you won't do that because you refuse to have to ask for help for anything, from anybody.

I remember my entire life before MS.  I was an anxiety ridden, scared, naive, 'helpless' person.  really, that's the truth in many ways.  i let so much small shit and ridiculous shit cause me anxiety and scared feelings.  i also wanted to be taken care of, or waited on, or simply enjoyed having people there to help if i needed them.

It's kind of ironic how when i decide to 'grow up' and become a stable, normal, hard working, independent, stubborn jackass of a woman that i no longer have the ability to be any of that.  no longer do i have the freedom to over-work myself or not ask for help or do things alone.  of course, i still do that, but it costs me greatly physically and mentally in the end because i'm too stubborn for help and my body just shuts down on me.

so, i wait for my call-back to see how we will proceed.  honestly, it's normal protocol and everyday bullshit by now....

dr "so what are your symptoms and issues nikki?"
me "going blind (although this time, my body changed it up and i had the terrible, pain-staking, impossible task of trying to describe my pain that i am having to someone who doesnt have MS since the optic neuritis/blindness wasn't my symptom for the first time ever)"
dr "well, what do you want to do?"
me "well dr. lilik you KNOW what i want to do.  nothing."
dr "we need to do something"
me "alright, but we're doing home health, i have too much to take care of to stay in the hospital"
dr "of course"

god love the man for putting up with my stubborn and over worked attitude.  seriously.

so i'll sit and wait to hear back from him.  then probably have to have a home nurse call my mother to give them directions.  then have to occupy the dogs somehow so that the 2 out of 4 of them who bark will shut the hell up when various strangers are parading in and out of my house.  then wake up dick who hasn't slept at all yet to help me should i need it.

there is nothing worse than having your schedule screwed up and having to be a burden to those around you.  i especially feel sorry for my dogs, my mother, and my boyfriend at times like these.  I am emotional, bitchy (bitchy because heaven forbid i am incapable of doing everything myself and the fact that i'm also in pain every single day), and worst of all, burdening their lives and putting a damper on their plans and THEIR schedules as well.

During these times I'm sure many of you, like me, feel helpless, embarassed (because you can't be the strong, stubborn, over-worked, independent person you normally are), and like nothing more than a burden to people who don't need you to burden them.

In all reality we know we're not burdens, but seriously, who's idea of fun is it to take care of their adult daughter or their girlfriend while she's on an IV or being a debbie downer or going through a health crisis?  I'm sure that's no one's idea of a picnic.

But, with any luck we'll hope he says to wait it out and there will be no steroids and IV's.  let's hope so at least.  hope, hope, hope for the best.

I'm pretty sure I stopped making sense after the first 2 paragraphs, so that will be all.

I'm sure one day I will get used to breaking down and allowing myself to be taken care of.  I hope that one day I will actually ask people for the help I need from them.

But that day is definitely not yet today.  haha.

Hopeful/Hopeless

sometimes you push so much and try so hard for things that will never happen or will never change.  you see yourself getting nowhere, yet still continue to hope.  is that really hope or is it just being an idiot?  i'll go with idiot.  i'll also have that written across my forehead, please.

Some days the lines between positive and negative and hope and hopeless blur until you can't see the difference or when one stops and the other starts.

"happy endings are only in movies, and love songs are only on the radio"  is a quote that plays over and over in my head often.  It has nothing to do with love to me, but everything to do with life.  It also isn't about a negative outlook to me, instead it's about not wishing for things that will never happen in real life.  In 'real life' there are many other circumstances that play on how we interact and how we deal with things.  The challenge lies in having someone prove that quote wrong when dealing with life in general.

I'll remain hopefull while still maintaining some form of jaded realism i guess.  Life is easiest when you wish for the best, but always know the worst is a possibility.