The past week and a half has been entirely too draining. Death, lack of sleep, soreness, people not realizing my worth, over-doing it physically, all sorts of things. But I have seemed to survive it which is all that matters. I always seem to give entirely too much of myself out and not get the same in return, but it takes a toll on me mentally and physically. I give with my whole self, but the damages are sometimes entirely too much. So here's to a much needed rest. Here's to no longer giving everything despite getting nothing. From now on, I will only give in such a selfless manner when it is beneficial to me.
Aside from the pressure and mental and physical draining, things have been going decently. I feel so deeply for those people who cannot see beyond the terrible to get to the good stuff, the ones who only focus on the negatives all around them rather than seeing all the positives. Life, relationships, etc are like anything else, you only get out of them what you put into them.
It's a new year and I plan to work on not draining myself to give to those who don't give to me. I plan to continue seeing the beauty even in the ugly, and I plan to keep refusing to let MS or various other things ruin my life. I also plan on getting back into some form of working out and eating healthier.
Mortality is something that's always on your mind when you have an illness. I'm at the point where dying or having anything serious happen to me physically wouldn't scare me. I think I've made a difference to people and have lived well. But, with mortality always on your mind, you become so much more aware of how we are given one body and one chance. So I'm going to treat it better this year. I'm going to keep on going and stop putting myself through the ringer to get nothing back, eat healthier, and live better. Hopefully it gets me somewhere.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Live.
In a perfect world, people would never be taken from us, especially not before their time. They wouldn't be taken in their prime, or their best years, or before they had their chance to reach their full potential. None of those tragedies would ever happen. But this is not a perfect world, and they do.
Nothing good usually comes from those times or instances, except for 2 things. You should learn to value your life. Your trivial bullshit means nothing. You have been left the gift of living for some reason. So choose to use it and find your reason. Also, do not take things for granted. Instead of constantly finding fault within the world or yourself or others, look to the positive things you find. Spring-time new life, a rainbow, an amazing summer sun shower, beautiful fresh snow, a gigantic gorgeous plate of delicious food. ANYTHING. But you have to find something.
There is so much wrong within this world, and with those around us. But all you do is waste your time and everyone else's when every word that comes out of your mouth is laced with negativity. Rather than bitching and moaning, try to change something or make a difference starting with yourself. When did it become so 'hip' or comforting to be in a constant state of negativity, or even worse, hatred?
Everyday people are lost who do not deserve it, or who are entirely 'too young' for it. They are ripped from their enriched, amazing lives, and a hole is left in their presence. Children, volunteers, young men, beautiful women, go-getters, people who maintain a positive outlook in the face of a terminal illness, etc. But not you, not yet. YOU haven't met your time yet, so make the best of it. Do not be so self righteous that you cannot even choose to shut the fuck up and make it work. If you don't have that sort of self worth to do it for yourself, do it for those around you, the ones who haven't given up on you, or do it for those who chose to live that better life, yet were still pulled from us too soon.
Nothing is ever too big to overcome. Make a choice. It was the best choice I ever made.
RIP christa, ciao bella.
<3
Nothing good usually comes from those times or instances, except for 2 things. You should learn to value your life. Your trivial bullshit means nothing. You have been left the gift of living for some reason. So choose to use it and find your reason. Also, do not take things for granted. Instead of constantly finding fault within the world or yourself or others, look to the positive things you find. Spring-time new life, a rainbow, an amazing summer sun shower, beautiful fresh snow, a gigantic gorgeous plate of delicious food. ANYTHING. But you have to find something.
There is so much wrong within this world, and with those around us. But all you do is waste your time and everyone else's when every word that comes out of your mouth is laced with negativity. Rather than bitching and moaning, try to change something or make a difference starting with yourself. When did it become so 'hip' or comforting to be in a constant state of negativity, or even worse, hatred?
Everyday people are lost who do not deserve it, or who are entirely 'too young' for it. They are ripped from their enriched, amazing lives, and a hole is left in their presence. Children, volunteers, young men, beautiful women, go-getters, people who maintain a positive outlook in the face of a terminal illness, etc. But not you, not yet. YOU haven't met your time yet, so make the best of it. Do not be so self righteous that you cannot even choose to shut the fuck up and make it work. If you don't have that sort of self worth to do it for yourself, do it for those around you, the ones who haven't given up on you, or do it for those who chose to live that better life, yet were still pulled from us too soon.
Nothing is ever too big to overcome. Make a choice. It was the best choice I ever made.
RIP christa, ciao bella.
<3
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Multiple Sclerosis and the year in review
Recently through my rescue/outreach work I have had the awful task of being photographed often. Candid shots don't bother me too much. I will post what some consider 'embarassing' photos of myself willingly. It's when I need to 'doll up' and 'model' when I become uncomfortable. I noticed one thing though, through every photo, I am wearing a goofy rubber red wristband. Even in my calendar shot, with my frilly party dress, there is a rather unsightly red rubber band on my wrist. It is my Multiple Sclerosis awareness band. We often say as MS patients that we are 'more' than MS, or that MS isn't all that we are. I agree, but that's not the entire truth.
If you are someone who has been directly affected by Multiple Sclerosis, you can agree that for good or bad, for better or worse, in spite of or because of, MS has molded you into what you are today. For me, it has made me stronger, more accepting, more thankful, and more aware. In many ways I am what I am today in spite of MS. But in some ways I am what I am because of it. No matter which reason or path I went down to become the person I am now, all that matters is that I am incredible. I don't mean that in a self centered way or selfish way, it is just the truth.
But it isn't just myself....any one of you with a potentially terminal illness, you are incredible. The shit we go through often times are things that the average person of moderate or good health could never grasp or understand, especially at a young age as some of us have had to deal with it. At any age when we go through this, it turns your entire life upside down. You can re-plan your future or you can give up. Despite some of you who are probably sitting there depressed, thinking there is nothing positive to come from this experience or this disease, you are still here. So, even if you don't realize it yet, you haven't given up, and since you're still dealing, something tells me you won't.
I'm well aware you have those days where you can't remember what it's like to live life careless and pain free. But you still get to live. So use that and throw it back at this disease and live the best life you can. With 2010 coming to a close, I can look back on the year, and despite a minor roadblock for awhile, I can say that this year has been the best year in my 'adult' life thus far. I made the choice a few years ago to finally live, and I feel like this year I really displayed that. I went from the lowest point imaginable to something far more meaningful and worth-while. You just have to find a way and make a choice. So, even with all the bullshit 2010 brought with it, it has been a grandiose year for me for sure!
I have been given rampant opportunities to live the life I have always wanted to live. To overcome some of my fears or anxieties. To make a difference and show people that I am a fantastic person. I accepted all of the challenges and great things and I made all of them into a wonderful year and one of the best experiences I have had in 'adulthood'. So, if it's any indication to the rest of my 'adult life', I'm just getting started.
So thank you to those of you who have helped make that possible. 2010 will be a year to mark down and remember for years to come, and hopefully years after will only be just as good or better.
If you are someone who has been directly affected by Multiple Sclerosis, you can agree that for good or bad, for better or worse, in spite of or because of, MS has molded you into what you are today. For me, it has made me stronger, more accepting, more thankful, and more aware. In many ways I am what I am today in spite of MS. But in some ways I am what I am because of it. No matter which reason or path I went down to become the person I am now, all that matters is that I am incredible. I don't mean that in a self centered way or selfish way, it is just the truth.
But it isn't just myself....any one of you with a potentially terminal illness, you are incredible. The shit we go through often times are things that the average person of moderate or good health could never grasp or understand, especially at a young age as some of us have had to deal with it. At any age when we go through this, it turns your entire life upside down. You can re-plan your future or you can give up. Despite some of you who are probably sitting there depressed, thinking there is nothing positive to come from this experience or this disease, you are still here. So, even if you don't realize it yet, you haven't given up, and since you're still dealing, something tells me you won't.
I'm well aware you have those days where you can't remember what it's like to live life careless and pain free. But you still get to live. So use that and throw it back at this disease and live the best life you can. With 2010 coming to a close, I can look back on the year, and despite a minor roadblock for awhile, I can say that this year has been the best year in my 'adult' life thus far. I made the choice a few years ago to finally live, and I feel like this year I really displayed that. I went from the lowest point imaginable to something far more meaningful and worth-while. You just have to find a way and make a choice. So, even with all the bullshit 2010 brought with it, it has been a grandiose year for me for sure!
I have been given rampant opportunities to live the life I have always wanted to live. To overcome some of my fears or anxieties. To make a difference and show people that I am a fantastic person. I accepted all of the challenges and great things and I made all of them into a wonderful year and one of the best experiences I have had in 'adulthood'. So, if it's any indication to the rest of my 'adult life', I'm just getting started.
So thank you to those of you who have helped make that possible. 2010 will be a year to mark down and remember for years to come, and hopefully years after will only be just as good or better.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
how yooou doooin'
i haven't blogged in quite sometime. i think i will perhaps pick it back up again this month. much has gone on, and hopefully now my mind can be a bit clearer and focussed.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
To Whom It May Concern....
Just because somewhere along the way in life, you got the crazy notion that animals were disposable, does NOT mean that we, as a rescue, are responsible for cleaning up your mess. It does not mean that you can harass us, spam us, stalk us, and then publically slander us with false-hoods when we do not work as quickly as you would like, or when we are not able to help you at all.
You chose to breed your pet quality dog, not us. You chose to buy a dog from an unethical breeder and get a puppy who turned into a dog with a slew of health and temperment issues. You chose to bring home a puppy and never train it or do a damn thing with it. You chose to acquire an animal (of any species) which you knew absolutely nothing about. You chose to do all or one of these things....not us.
Yet we, as rescuers take in these 'problems' and ask very little or nothing from you in return. All so you can go out and do it all over again. Ruin yet another animal's life, and move onto burdening another rescue of your choosing. Yet we 'somehow' managed to turn this 'throw away' animal of yours into a splendid, adoptable, well mannered family pet. We aren't magic workers, we do not have super powers, it's just called time, money, dedication, and education. Go and get some.
We don't do anything extra-ordinary, special, or outstanding to re-home your animals. In fact, in some cases, we do very little. All it takes is some patience, a little basic obedience, and an educated adopter, or one who is willing to learn. Something that was clearly too much of a sacrifice to ask of you.
When you bring an animal, any animal, into your life and your home, they all have different needs, wants, and requirements. It is up to you to study all of that ahead of time, or learn along the way. Not us. It is up to you to put YOUR time, effort, money, and knowledge into this animal. Not us. Yet we are still somehow, the ones who end up with your animals, your 'lifetime commitments', and we are the ones who 'magically' turn them into adoptable animals. Bullshit. You are lazy, selfish, unprepared, and narrow-minded. We are the giving, selfless, educated, hard-working, open-minded ones who always save the day.
This is to all of the rescuer's out there, in this world. Who day in and day out are reminded of other people's mistakes. Are reminded of other people's laziness. Are reminded of other people's selfish attitude. This is to all of us, who will always step up to the plate and take over and give of ourselves without wanting anything in return except seeing that animal healthy, happy, and in a forever home for the rest of their lives. This is to you, me, us, all of you.
From one to another, I am letting you know, your job is appreciated. We all know we cannot and will not be able to save them all. We are reminded of it day in and day out by people who do not 'get it'. But we know it isn't about saving them all. It is about saving One at a time. To that ONE animal, we are saving their life. To that ONE animal, we are making a difference. To that ONE animal, we are nurturing them into that amazing adoptable animal with manners and abilities that their former 'owner' or 'breeder' never saw or cared to nurture in them.
To that ONE animal, we have made a world of difference.
We cannot rid the world of these selfish, ignorant, lazy animal owners. But we can try to educate them, steer them in the right direction, or, unfortunately as is mostly the case, clean up their messes successfully.
You chose to breed your pet quality dog, not us. You chose to buy a dog from an unethical breeder and get a puppy who turned into a dog with a slew of health and temperment issues. You chose to bring home a puppy and never train it or do a damn thing with it. You chose to acquire an animal (of any species) which you knew absolutely nothing about. You chose to do all or one of these things....not us.
Yet we, as rescuers take in these 'problems' and ask very little or nothing from you in return. All so you can go out and do it all over again. Ruin yet another animal's life, and move onto burdening another rescue of your choosing. Yet we 'somehow' managed to turn this 'throw away' animal of yours into a splendid, adoptable, well mannered family pet. We aren't magic workers, we do not have super powers, it's just called time, money, dedication, and education. Go and get some.
We don't do anything extra-ordinary, special, or outstanding to re-home your animals. In fact, in some cases, we do very little. All it takes is some patience, a little basic obedience, and an educated adopter, or one who is willing to learn. Something that was clearly too much of a sacrifice to ask of you.
When you bring an animal, any animal, into your life and your home, they all have different needs, wants, and requirements. It is up to you to study all of that ahead of time, or learn along the way. Not us. It is up to you to put YOUR time, effort, money, and knowledge into this animal. Not us. Yet we are still somehow, the ones who end up with your animals, your 'lifetime commitments', and we are the ones who 'magically' turn them into adoptable animals. Bullshit. You are lazy, selfish, unprepared, and narrow-minded. We are the giving, selfless, educated, hard-working, open-minded ones who always save the day.
This is to all of the rescuer's out there, in this world. Who day in and day out are reminded of other people's mistakes. Are reminded of other people's laziness. Are reminded of other people's selfish attitude. This is to all of us, who will always step up to the plate and take over and give of ourselves without wanting anything in return except seeing that animal healthy, happy, and in a forever home for the rest of their lives. This is to you, me, us, all of you.
From one to another, I am letting you know, your job is appreciated. We all know we cannot and will not be able to save them all. We are reminded of it day in and day out by people who do not 'get it'. But we know it isn't about saving them all. It is about saving One at a time. To that ONE animal, we are saving their life. To that ONE animal, we are making a difference. To that ONE animal, we are nurturing them into that amazing adoptable animal with manners and abilities that their former 'owner' or 'breeder' never saw or cared to nurture in them.
To that ONE animal, we have made a world of difference.
We cannot rid the world of these selfish, ignorant, lazy animal owners. But we can try to educate them, steer them in the right direction, or, unfortunately as is mostly the case, clean up their messes successfully.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
the journey is what matters
my last blog was a little depressing with some shards of light thrown in for good measure.
my satellite tv provider has given me the extra stations not included in my lowest package. I dont know when it started or for how long, but i've been resting a little and taking full advantage of it all day. I finally got to watch "the fabulous beekman boys", its a show on the planet green station which i've wanted to see since learning of it. It makes me long for a farm of my own though. It's in upstate new york, which is also where I have always wanted a farm. The last episode I saw was Thanksgiving. The colors and scenery was simply magical to say the least. They even raised and then slaughtered their own turkey. I would not do that, but the fact that they're in touch with what theyre eating, raising, and giving these animals good lives before eating them for thanksgiving is great. After they butchered their 2 pigs (all of their animals are named btw), they cried a little and said they now know the true price of that dollar cheeseburger you get at the fast food place. except those cows arent raised nearly as nicely as those pigs were.
They have a llama also (i think) and her name is polka spots. i feel bad for her though because they have a crapload of goats who wont let polka spots eat. haha. watching the goats play and do goat-like things gives me a kick too. i'd like to visit their farm sometime. they also make their own cheese and such. it really is fabulous and looks like utopia.
for as depressing as life can get at times, theres so much beauty and so much to be thankful for. i was a bit down this AM and Macy marched over to lick my hands. I woke up sore and cranky and Hoss was mugging at me with that Boxer look. I let the dogs out and watched Dinah and Hawk play. These small things given to me by my animals each day really make up for all the crap-tastic stuff I have going on. The decent, pretty awesome people who I have around helps a bit too. There's always something to look forward to and stay positive about. Dont count the positives and negatives. This is not a check list. This is life. In life even if the negatives are greater at a point in time, as long as there are still joys and positive occurrences, thats all the reason you need to continue on.
Its really easy to be negative. often times i come on here and ready up a rant or a bitch fest, even once i had one all typed up nicely...but I stop. The world needs a wake up call, and people need reminding of goodness in life, but i'm not going to stress myself out and get carpal tunnel typing that 6 page long bitchery up.
Good day.
my satellite tv provider has given me the extra stations not included in my lowest package. I dont know when it started or for how long, but i've been resting a little and taking full advantage of it all day. I finally got to watch "the fabulous beekman boys", its a show on the planet green station which i've wanted to see since learning of it. It makes me long for a farm of my own though. It's in upstate new york, which is also where I have always wanted a farm. The last episode I saw was Thanksgiving. The colors and scenery was simply magical to say the least. They even raised and then slaughtered their own turkey. I would not do that, but the fact that they're in touch with what theyre eating, raising, and giving these animals good lives before eating them for thanksgiving is great. After they butchered their 2 pigs (all of their animals are named btw), they cried a little and said they now know the true price of that dollar cheeseburger you get at the fast food place. except those cows arent raised nearly as nicely as those pigs were.
They have a llama also (i think) and her name is polka spots. i feel bad for her though because they have a crapload of goats who wont let polka spots eat. haha. watching the goats play and do goat-like things gives me a kick too. i'd like to visit their farm sometime. they also make their own cheese and such. it really is fabulous and looks like utopia.
for as depressing as life can get at times, theres so much beauty and so much to be thankful for. i was a bit down this AM and Macy marched over to lick my hands. I woke up sore and cranky and Hoss was mugging at me with that Boxer look. I let the dogs out and watched Dinah and Hawk play. These small things given to me by my animals each day really make up for all the crap-tastic stuff I have going on. The decent, pretty awesome people who I have around helps a bit too. There's always something to look forward to and stay positive about. Dont count the positives and negatives. This is not a check list. This is life. In life even if the negatives are greater at a point in time, as long as there are still joys and positive occurrences, thats all the reason you need to continue on.
Its really easy to be negative. often times i come on here and ready up a rant or a bitch fest, even once i had one all typed up nicely...but I stop. The world needs a wake up call, and people need reminding of goodness in life, but i'm not going to stress myself out and get carpal tunnel typing that 6 page long bitchery up.
Good day.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
and down it goes....
and not only because she said so.
it's been so long that i've had to keep a straight face, put up a brave front, and keep on trucking. But, i can't even begin to remember the last time I had a totally pain-free day. essentially no matter how positive i stay and such there's no ridding myself of the physical pain I have. I've also tried remaining pretty calm and happy about all of the crap I have or don't have, but even at times that gets to me.
I had a dream last night that was pretty much a perfect life. In my dream, everything didnt seem light years away, all of my animal loved each other and got along in peaceful harmony, my mortgage was paid in full, and I was completely pain free everyday in my life. Essentially, most of that isn't a lot to ask for, but I woke up and none of it was reality and it bummed me out even more.
But really I make the best of what I don't have and that's just minor shit, but a lot of days I have no idea how I can continue to live through all of the physical issues I have at times. That isnt even taking into consideration the mental issues. All of it from MS. Seriously...where's my cure?! If I didn't lead such a semi active or go getter life, I would still be in pain, but perhaps less. But then what would my QUALITY of life be like? I would feel as if I had no purpose yet again as I felt in the past so often.
My neck and legs especially are just screaming today. I don't think facebook helps situations too often. I see people bitch and moan and whine about the most idiotic shit every minute of the day. I won't dare say your issues aren't painful in their own ways, but if I can push passed my constant pain and deterioration on a daily basis to focus on more important issues in the world and other people, I'm sure some of you can perhaps put your life and your "issues" into perspective.
I dont know, maybe I'm just being crabby, cranky, and way too harsh. or maybe most people in this world really are just too self absorbed and superficial to care about other people or the planet they're living on. Oh well, essentially I'm just writing to myself. I dont know if people actually read this and I cant say I care either. Writing is good, writing gets the shit out so you can focus on more positive things. Sometimes it's a downer though when I recall how amazing I used to be at writing before MS. Now I often times literally feel like a shell of my former self. But I'm writing for me. Maybe one day I will gradually work myself up to where I used to be before my mind decided to go down the crapper with my body as it followed this disease.
At the end of the day, I'm left with it, and after pushing it all out onto my keyboard just now, I feel like I might sleep a little better tonight. So this is for me, and here's to my hopefully sleeping better.
I also have to add that if any of my MS friends should read this...many of you know me well enough by now to know that I rarely have these pity parties for myself. And really, this isnt even that. All this was for me was cathartic, therapy, bleeding, essentially just getting it out. if I had a blank journal, I wouldnt have even typed it in this blog, I would have hand written it.
I want you to know if you're reading this, that the attitude and outlook you keep does matter, but eventually we all crack under the pressure, the pain, or the stress. But you and I and everyone needs to let it out somehow, sometime. The more you hold it in, essentially is the more you ruin yourself. We all know how much stress leads to our relapses or diminished quality of life with this disease, and none of us want to be there. I've been dealing with this for 7 years, and I have days when the pain is so bad I have no idea how I'll make it another 7 let alone another 57.
Again none of this is actually for me to talk to anyone...just to talk to me. But if any of it helps any of you with your battle or struggle, I am glad. let me also say that today is a down day, but it will ALWAYS and does always get better. No matter how dark it feels or how much pain you have, there's always a better day and we both know that.
so, keep our chin up.
good night. lets hope i can sleep better now. :)
it's been so long that i've had to keep a straight face, put up a brave front, and keep on trucking. But, i can't even begin to remember the last time I had a totally pain-free day. essentially no matter how positive i stay and such there's no ridding myself of the physical pain I have. I've also tried remaining pretty calm and happy about all of the crap I have or don't have, but even at times that gets to me.
I had a dream last night that was pretty much a perfect life. In my dream, everything didnt seem light years away, all of my animal loved each other and got along in peaceful harmony, my mortgage was paid in full, and I was completely pain free everyday in my life. Essentially, most of that isn't a lot to ask for, but I woke up and none of it was reality and it bummed me out even more.
But really I make the best of what I don't have and that's just minor shit, but a lot of days I have no idea how I can continue to live through all of the physical issues I have at times. That isnt even taking into consideration the mental issues. All of it from MS. Seriously...where's my cure?! If I didn't lead such a semi active or go getter life, I would still be in pain, but perhaps less. But then what would my QUALITY of life be like? I would feel as if I had no purpose yet again as I felt in the past so often.
My neck and legs especially are just screaming today. I don't think facebook helps situations too often. I see people bitch and moan and whine about the most idiotic shit every minute of the day. I won't dare say your issues aren't painful in their own ways, but if I can push passed my constant pain and deterioration on a daily basis to focus on more important issues in the world and other people, I'm sure some of you can perhaps put your life and your "issues" into perspective.
I dont know, maybe I'm just being crabby, cranky, and way too harsh. or maybe most people in this world really are just too self absorbed and superficial to care about other people or the planet they're living on. Oh well, essentially I'm just writing to myself. I dont know if people actually read this and I cant say I care either. Writing is good, writing gets the shit out so you can focus on more positive things. Sometimes it's a downer though when I recall how amazing I used to be at writing before MS. Now I often times literally feel like a shell of my former self. But I'm writing for me. Maybe one day I will gradually work myself up to where I used to be before my mind decided to go down the crapper with my body as it followed this disease.
At the end of the day, I'm left with it, and after pushing it all out onto my keyboard just now, I feel like I might sleep a little better tonight. So this is for me, and here's to my hopefully sleeping better.
I also have to add that if any of my MS friends should read this...many of you know me well enough by now to know that I rarely have these pity parties for myself. And really, this isnt even that. All this was for me was cathartic, therapy, bleeding, essentially just getting it out. if I had a blank journal, I wouldnt have even typed it in this blog, I would have hand written it.
I want you to know if you're reading this, that the attitude and outlook you keep does matter, but eventually we all crack under the pressure, the pain, or the stress. But you and I and everyone needs to let it out somehow, sometime. The more you hold it in, essentially is the more you ruin yourself. We all know how much stress leads to our relapses or diminished quality of life with this disease, and none of us want to be there. I've been dealing with this for 7 years, and I have days when the pain is so bad I have no idea how I'll make it another 7 let alone another 57.
Again none of this is actually for me to talk to anyone...just to talk to me. But if any of it helps any of you with your battle or struggle, I am glad. let me also say that today is a down day, but it will ALWAYS and does always get better. No matter how dark it feels or how much pain you have, there's always a better day and we both know that.
so, keep our chin up.
good night. lets hope i can sleep better now. :)
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