Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Untitled: part 1

I have re-written this at least 3 times so far.  I cannot keep a steady train of thought nor can I decide on a topic.  So, this is the first in many "Untitled" entries I guess.

As of late, I have been focussing on the mental difficulties MS has brought about for me rather than the physical (which is ironic since my recent physical relapse and my daily shitty physical state as of late).  I remember a point in my life where I KNEW I was bright and brilliant and gifted and talented.  At least when it came to all things english, writing, spelling, grammar, etc based.  In many ways early on in life it was the very first thing I was ever good at, besides dogs I guess.

But now, I often can't remember how to spell common words.  I couldn't properly congegate(sp?) a verb these days if my life depended on it.  I also could probably never properly puncuate certain phrases.  All of these things were areas that I never even had to study up on in high school, they're all things that I just knew and remembered with ease.

There was a point in my life where my mother would nag and push me to be an author, and my father willingly wanted to self publish a book of my short stories and/or poetry....and now i can't even recall how to spell the word "great" on certain days.  Yes, at the age of 25, I am a has been in the world of all things vocabulary.

I look forward to getting back into the groove of it all moreso, but it's as difficult as trying to 'get active' when every inch of your body is in pain.  So I keep putting it off.  But so help me, when that day comes, LOOK OUT!

There are still people who say I'm a good writer.  Those people never knew how good I really was though.  Or they just never saw the stuff that to this day stands out in my mind as being so unbelievably powerful that even I couldn't forget writing it.  I often feel the same way about my graphic making 'career'.  To compare anything artistic now to what I once produced is just a disgrace as far as I'm concerned.

But through it all, I cannot help but feel gratitude after the wallowing in self pity passes.  I'm honestly grateful everyday despite it all to still be here.  No matter how shitty I start my day, I try to consciously end it on a good note most times.  Usually, I'm successful.

Every now and then I catch glimpses of that bright person that used to have much more to offer.  I know it's there somewhere, but for some reason this disease keeps it locked away somewhere.  To not have control of your mind or body is a real pain in the ass.  Then the steroids they (at times) pump into you just makes all of that even worse.  But all that it does is make me want to form a 'comeback' (so to speak) even more.

At this point I sound cliche.  I also feel as though I sound like a broken record.....

"what's that? another blog about MS??"

haha, so i'll end this and say, it's more or less a blog about how my mind and body are literally not mine anymore.  They haven't been for 8 years now.  But it's also a blog about how I hope to someday soon regain a little more of myself finally.

Maybe by the time I update this again that will be on its way to happening.  Maybe not.  But spring is upon us. That's totally unrelated, but a good thing.

So, good day.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


i have every intention of getting back into the habit of updating this semi-regularly again.  my thoughts are literally precious anymore as with the MS it's increasingly harder and harder each year to remember them.  so by the time i get to sit down here to write, most of the good thoughts are already gone.

it also just ocurred to me how insanely crazy and emotional and draining last year was.  intense to say the least.  i'm just thankful that it ended the last bit of itself on a well deserved positive note.

here's to hoping i come back very soon and continue to update and let my words flow not nearly as freely as they once did. <3