Wednesday, September 1, 2010

and down it goes....

and not only because she said so.

it's been so long that i've had to keep a straight face, put up a brave front, and keep on trucking.  But, i can't even begin to remember the last time I had a totally pain-free day.  essentially no matter how positive i stay and such there's no ridding myself of the physical pain I have.  I've also tried remaining pretty calm and happy about all of the crap I have or don't have, but even at times that gets to me.

I had a dream last night that was pretty much a perfect life.  In my dream, everything didnt seem light years away, all of my animal loved each other and got along in peaceful harmony, my mortgage was paid in full, and I was completely pain free everyday in my life.  Essentially, most of that isn't a lot to ask for, but I woke up and none of it was reality and it bummed me out even more.

But really I make the best of what I don't have and that's just minor shit, but a lot of days I have no idea how I can continue to live through all of the physical issues I have at times.  That isnt even taking into consideration the mental issues.  All of it from MS.  Seriously...where's my cure?!  If I didn't lead such a semi active or go getter life, I would still be in pain, but perhaps less.  But then what would my QUALITY of life be like?  I would feel as if I had no purpose yet again as I felt in the past so often.

My neck and legs especially are just screaming today.  I don't think facebook helps situations too often.  I see people bitch and moan and whine about the most idiotic shit every minute of the day.  I won't dare say your issues aren't painful in their own ways, but if I can push passed my constant pain and deterioration on a daily basis to focus on more important issues in the world and other people, I'm sure some of you can perhaps put your life and your "issues" into perspective.

I dont know, maybe I'm just being crabby, cranky, and way too harsh.  or maybe most people in this world really are just too self absorbed and superficial to care about other people or the planet they're living on.  Oh well, essentially I'm just writing to myself.  I dont know if people actually read this and I cant say I care either.  Writing is good, writing gets the shit out so you can focus on more positive things.  Sometimes it's a downer though when I recall how amazing I used to be at writing before MS.  Now I often times literally feel like a shell of my former self.  But I'm writing for me.  Maybe one day I will gradually work myself up to where I used to be before my mind decided to go down the crapper with my body as it followed this disease.

At the end of the day, I'm left with it, and after pushing it all out onto my keyboard just now, I feel like I might sleep a little better tonight.  So this is for me, and here's to my hopefully sleeping better.

I also have to add that if any of my MS friends should read this...many of you know me well enough by now to know that I rarely have these pity parties for myself.  And really, this isnt even that.  All this was for me was cathartic, therapy, bleeding, essentially just getting it out.  if I had a blank journal, I wouldnt have even typed it in this blog, I would have hand written it.

I want you to know if you're reading this, that the attitude and outlook you keep does matter, but eventually we all crack under the pressure, the pain, or the stress.  But you and I and everyone needs to let it out somehow, sometime.  The more you hold it in, essentially is the more you ruin yourself.  We all know how much stress leads to our relapses or diminished quality of life with this disease, and none of us want to be there.  I've been dealing with this for 7 years, and I have days when the pain is so bad I have no idea how I'll make it another 7 let alone another 57.

Again none of this is actually for me to talk to anyone...just to talk to me.  But if any of it helps any of you with your battle or struggle, I am glad.  let me also say that today is a down day, but it will ALWAYS and does always get better.  No matter how dark it feels or how much pain you have, there's always a better day and we both know that.

so, keep our chin up.
good night.  lets hope i can sleep better now.  :)

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