sometimes you miss the past and wish it never had to end up the way it did. sometimes you ache to go back to when things were comfortable and familiar and forget why it's in the past and block out all of the negatives that made it bad for you.
for me these moments seem to come when i'm faced with serious issues. presently i await a call back from my neurologist to probably start home IV steroids again. this will be the 3rd year in a row. i'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner due the insane amount of stress and bullshit i was put through in 2010. realistically though, i have felt 'off' physically for some time now but continued to put it off as things would clear up temporarily or because i wasn't going blind like with my other relapses, so i figured it was nothing major.
my entire body feels like stiff dead weight and like it doesn't even belong to me anymore. during times like these you hope someone in your support system will understand what you're going through or somehow read your mind as to the what you need from them. but none of that ever happens. if you're someone like me, you hope they go out of their way to be there because you sure as hell aren't going to actually ASK for help. why would you ever admit to being unable to do something and needing someone else to take care of you? you wouldn't. so those are the moments when you wish someone would read your mind or just sit by your side for 24 hours in case you need it. but they won't as they're not mind readers and you have to somehow communicate your wants and needs.
but, remember? you won't do that because you refuse to have to ask for help for anything, from anybody.
I remember my entire life before MS. I was an anxiety ridden, scared, naive, 'helpless' person. really, that's the truth in many ways. i let so much small shit and ridiculous shit cause me anxiety and scared feelings. i also wanted to be taken care of, or waited on, or simply enjoyed having people there to help if i needed them.
It's kind of ironic how when i decide to 'grow up' and become a stable, normal, hard working, independent, stubborn jackass of a woman that i no longer have the ability to be any of that. no longer do i have the freedom to over-work myself or not ask for help or do things alone. of course, i still do that, but it costs me greatly physically and mentally in the end because i'm too stubborn for help and my body just shuts down on me.
so, i wait for my call-back to see how we will proceed. honestly, it's normal protocol and everyday bullshit by now....
dr "so what are your symptoms and issues nikki?"
me "going blind (although this time, my body changed it up and i had the terrible, pain-staking, impossible task of trying to describe my pain that i am having to someone who doesnt have MS since the optic neuritis/blindness wasn't my symptom for the first time ever)"
dr "well, what do you want to do?"
me "well dr. lilik you KNOW what i want to do. nothing."
dr "we need to do something"
me "alright, but we're doing home health, i have too much to take care of to stay in the hospital"
dr "of course"
god love the man for putting up with my stubborn and over worked attitude. seriously.
so i'll sit and wait to hear back from him. then probably have to have a home nurse call my mother to give them directions. then have to occupy the dogs somehow so that the 2 out of 4 of them who bark will shut the hell up when various strangers are parading in and out of my house. then wake up dick who hasn't slept at all yet to help me should i need it.
there is nothing worse than having your schedule screwed up and having to be a burden to those around you. i especially feel sorry for my dogs, my mother, and my boyfriend at times like these. I am emotional, bitchy (bitchy because heaven forbid i am incapable of doing everything myself and the fact that i'm also in pain every single day), and worst of all, burdening their lives and putting a damper on their plans and THEIR schedules as well.
During these times I'm sure many of you, like me, feel helpless, embarassed (because you can't be the strong, stubborn, over-worked, independent person you normally are), and like nothing more than a burden to people who don't need you to burden them.
In all reality we know we're not burdens, but seriously, who's idea of fun is it to take care of their adult daughter or their girlfriend while she's on an IV or being a debbie downer or going through a health crisis? I'm sure that's no one's idea of a picnic.
But, with any luck we'll hope he says to wait it out and there will be no steroids and IV's. let's hope so at least. hope, hope, hope for the best.
I'm pretty sure I stopped making sense after the first 2 paragraphs, so that will be all.
I'm sure one day I will get used to breaking down and allowing myself to be taken care of. I hope that one day I will actually ask people for the help I need from them.
But that day is definitely not yet today. haha.